I get a ton of email regarding my case over at our STARS site, but until that blog is up and running, this acts sort of as a sanctuary for survivors and generally curious folks. While we were going through the thousands of emails, we found a pattern. So, answers to your FAQs:
1) How did Beebe know your address?
Well, he called the University of Virginia Alumni office for about 9 years and kept tracking me. In this Internet age, he would have found me anyway, thought. Anyone can find anyone!
2) Do you have flashbacks?
Yes, all the time. And body sense memories - which are hateful. But you grit your teeth and hang in. Panic attacks are the worst and most survivors have them.
3) Did you know other girls at Virginia who had been raped?
Of course, many (and guys, too!), just as on many campuses. It was just swept under the rug. Still is. There is an actual website! But don't forget, I married not one, but two UVA fraternity boys. And recently, the boys of St. Elmo's have been totally supportive and wonderful.
4) Why were you at a fraternity party anyway? Shouldn't you have been home reading your Bible? If you accepted Jesus as Lord, you would not have had sex with that fine Christian man. You're a lying whore.
OKayyyyyy. Yep, the uber-Christians love them some Beebe. I was at the party because that's what you do in college and a friend needed a date. Southern fraternity rush culture is as such and back then, we knew nothing of roofies or any sort of thing. No, I should not have been home reading my Bible. Who knows what Beebe is, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Scientologist - and does it matter?
5) Do you know the identities of the other two?
Yes. Right now, we don't have enough witnesses willing to testify (nice morals!), so I have to know what I know and what I've heard and what I've read. There were many people who watched me being raped by at least one of the three. I wonder what it's like to live with that knowledge and then, not help the Police.
6) Are you suing anyone civilly?
Not sure. After all, many people were complicit in the perpetration and coverup of this crime. It's not about money - that's not the message I want to send.
7) Are you mad at AA?
No, I'm upset that Beebe would use what seems to be a fine organization to manipulate the system. On the flipside, AA hides all sorts of criminals. I don't know what to think. I think the whole AA angle should be removed from this story.
8) Why can't you just "move on"?
I have moved on. However, much work needs to be done in the way of legislation and change of opinion. By traveling, speaking and writing, the message, which has never been about me but about how rape victims are shamed into silence, may hit home.
9) Do you answer all of your emails?
Yes (except the death threat ones) but it can take a long time due to the volume. Also, the sheer pain of some of the stories I've read - I cannot take on too much until I've healed myself. It's amazing what people have lived through.
10) Do you have happy days?
Of course, all the time! My child fills my days with sunshine and hope. She's simply awesome. I hope to have more, as I suffered multiple miscarriages during this whole phase of life. I even have a gallows sense of humour about the whole thing.
Phew. That's all for now.
The surf off Main Beach, EH
15 comments:
Liz,
Thank you for sharing this info. It's very compelling, to say the least.
I'm sorry to say that I had no idea at just how utterly devastating the emotional consequences of the rape are even more than twenty years later, and how widespread rape *still* is.
I knew you still had panic attacks, but I didn't realize that you still have flashbacks, and frequently.
I've never heard the term "body sense memories" b4, but I'm assuming it means that you still vividly remember the physical pain of the rape itself, along with anything that you saw and heard at the time of the rape.
Item # 4 is reprehensible, to say the least. I still cannot get over that you, the victim, receive death threats and hate mail.
I didn't know that there were *many* people who witnessed the rape and did nothing to help you back then or now.
And worst of all, that Canevari and Sheffield failed you so miserably. On one level--and I hope I don't upset or offend you by saying this--what they did to you was worse than what Beebe did, because, as I said b4, it was Canevari's job to look out for his students, and that applies to Sheffield as well. Their failure to help you amounts to outright betrayal, and all because they simply wanted to protect the good name of the school.
As for any civil suits, be sure that the statute of limitations hasn't expired. There may be no statute of limitations on *criminal* felonies in Virginia, but it doesn't necessarily follow that there isn't one for *civil* suits.
I didn't realize b4 that you were afraid of the fraternity, as if Beebe wasn't enough.
I knew from the articles that you had suffered at least one miscarriage which you attributed to the stress of receiving Beebe's letter, but I didn't know that you had suffered *multiple* miscarriages. I'm truly sorry.
Hopefully, you will have more children in your life.
Sorry to make this so long, but, as I said at the outset, I found this to be very compelling.
You have a lot of support out there!
Take care!
Mario
Mario -
Yes, body sense memory is a crazy thing. It's pretty awful - it's rather like an amputee having "ghost limb" sensation.
I can sue anyone who has been recently complicit in the coverup, so the clock's ticking for some of those people. Two year statute of limitations. So, we're looking at that. Mr. Beebe was never a full member of Phi Kappa Psi, so they are certainly liable as he lived in their house and used their property to rape someone.
You would not believe (and I am Christian!) how many Christians hate me. It's like Stockholm Syndrome, these people who side with the attacker.
I think the people who saw the rape(s) and had nothing to do with it, now, as grown men with families are even more reprehensible than the rapists. Because, in the end, who are you protecting? Wouldn't you want to clear your conscience from that sort of evil? I would totally call out a sorority sister, even if the bonds are strong.
Yes, it is University's responsibility to care for its students, especially minor children. Canevari is pure evil. They need that endowment money flowing in!
We feel as though another child is in our future. The stress was too much and frankly, I am glad not to have exposed an unborn child to that person in a courtroom. That sort of emotional distress was obviously not good for those little ones and I have moved on.
Liz,
I forgot to mention in my previous message: I didn't know b4 that Beebe had been tracking you for *nine years*.
I don't know whether to attribute his persistence to guilt or obsession--or both.
Mario
I honestly don't know. However, he did freak me out in Court one day when he stared straight at me for about two hours. He didn't do it the next time. I'm willing to bet the Judge told him not to. It was very uncomfortable.
I don't know why one of his letters didn't reach me before 2005.
Hate is not a productive emotion and it clouds the judgement. It gets you nowhere. There's a big jump from disliking the person who raped you and hating him. Of course, there's no road map handed to you in such a singular situation and I think whatever a victim chooses to feel is right. I really do. I will say I can be angry at him some days when I struggle with nightmares and such.
No, I don't hate Beebe. But, as a victim in a pro-criminal society, I have every right to air my distaste of him. I think that's the best word.
Forgiven - completely and years ago. One cannot live a full life without that. I wouldn't be who I am now (able to parent and be a spouse) if I harbored that sort of thing. As a rather soft person, it was hard to get me riled up, but when that "Dateline" piece aired, I could see how raw I was. It was taped in February 2006, so I've come a long way. If I didn't; he would keep winning and taking pieces of my life. I don't forgive some of his recent tactics: "I raped you; no I didn't" and dragging it out for 18 months. He should have cut his deal right away and spared all of us the grief - including the taxpayers and his terminally ill mother, who may have been able to enjoy time with him before her death.
Liz,
You are a truly magnanimous and merciful person to forgive someone for something so horrible that has inflicted so much pain in your life for so many years!
Your parents definitely raised you the right way!
Mario
Mario -
I don't think it's magnanimous at all - it's something I struggled with for years. You just have to decide whether or not this one event will define who you are. I chose "no". But thank you for the lovely and kind words.
Yes, my parents raised me right. They are still married after 47 years!
Best, L
Liz,
You mentioned Beebe's terminally ill mother, which, of course, is sad.
But I was wondering: since you know about his mother's terminal illness, do you know anything about his life prior to the assault?
I ask becuz, according to the Dateline piece, he *already* had a drinking problem at the age of 19 when he assaulted you, and so I was wondering what could have happened in his life to have turned him into someone who would brutally assault another person.
Of course, it goes without saying that, regardless of what he went thru in life b4 he assaulted you, there's absolutely no excuse whatsover for his assault against you.
Mario
Liz,
Have you ever considered hypnosis as means of treating your emotional symptoms (the flashbacks, panic attacks and body sense memories)?
Mario
Mario -
From Beebe's emails to me, I understand that his mother was an alcoholic as well, which is how he realized his disease.
She recently died of alcohol-related illnesses, including cirrhosis and dementia, according to the DA.
He was sent to a boarding school at a tender age, from what he says in his emails. He attended Deerfield Prep.
I received an email from a classmate of his yesterday - who knows, as these things are anonymous? - who told me Mr. Beebe was addicted to alcohol and drugs while still in prep school.
One thing - in his emails, Mr. Beebe asked if I blamed his parents. I found that odd. Of course not. I blame him for his actions.
Mario:
EMDR is the vehicle right now that I am using to combat the panic attacks. You can see an earlier post that (sort of) explains them. I am lucky to have a fantastic therapist who specializes in PTSD clients.
Liz,
Another question that I forgot to ask b4: do you still have self-esteem issues? I hope not.
Mario
What girl doesn't???? :)
Liz,
Ya got me there! :)
I meant self-esteem issues deriving from the asssault.
Mario
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